A Picture of Me (Without You)
by captainhillshipper
Summary: Steve shares memories with Maria. Set in my "Smaller Heart" series. Will probably make a bit more sense if you read the other two first. "How Can I Help You Say Goodbye?" and "A Friend in Deed." This story was written for Captain Hill Week.


**A/N: Entry for the second day of Captain Hill Week. This takes place within my "Smaller Heart" series, so it is not a romantic ship at all. This is the third story in this series. Over at AO3 they are linked together, but since this is FFN I'll name the other stories: First, 'How Can I Help You Say Goodbye?' & Second, 'A Friend In Deed.'**

**The quote at the beginning of this story is one I found online, uncredited. If there is a credit, please let me know and I will include it. **

**The title is from the old song by Lorrie Morgan.  
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**Please R&R. :)**

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><p><em>People say that bad memories<br>cause the most pain,  
>but actually it's the good ones<br>that drive you insane._

Steve hung up his phone after saying his 'good-bye's' to Sharon and walked back across the common room in the Avengers Tower to where he'd been sitting with Tony and Maria before the call.

"So, Agent Sharon Carter," Tony stated, then wiggled his eyebrows.

Steve looked at him. He knew what the billionaire was insinuating but decided not to give Tony the benefit of that knowledge.

"Yeah, she has some old family pictures she thought I'd like to have," he told Tony and tried not to smirk when his friend seemed to wait impatiently for more information.

He glanced at Maria who appeared amused as she watched him play Tony.

"Cute kid pictures?" Tony finally asked, apparently feeling the need to say something. "You know they have these computer programs that you can use that will take your picture and hers and then make an image of what your child will look like."

"You might not want to use that," Steve teased instead of rising to the bait. "Pepper finds out the kid will look like you she probably will never want to have a kid with you."

"Nice," Tony smirked. "I don't have to put up with this in my own tower."

He stood and walked toward the elevator.

"I will go find Pepper and convince her we should _practice_ making a baby," he said, almost off-hand.

As the elevator doors slid open Maria called out to him.

"Maybe she'll let you practice 12% of it."

"Don't forget who signs your checks," Tony said as he stepped in.

"I haven't forgotten Pepper at all, obviously." She laughed as they watched the doors close on Tony.

Maria had turned out to be an entirely different person outside SHIELD. Steve had seen her a few times non-SHIELD related before, but she had still been reserved. It was interesting to him that it was Tony Stark who actually brought most of the snarky humor out of her. She was still extremely professional at SI, but when Tony was around, she gave him as good as he gave her. Clint had joked to Steve once that if they were living in a romantic comedy, Hill and Stark would have been the couple.

Maria turned her smile to him now and Steve had to admit, it was certainly beautiful. He could understand why she hadn't smiled much when working at SHIELD. It was an act that was comforting and calming at the same time, definitely not something associated with a Deputy Director.

"Do they help?" Maria asked.

"The pictures?" Steve clarified, though he was certain that's what she was asking.

She only nodded and Steve took a breath and let it out slowly. This really wasn't the place he wanted to talk about this.

"We don't have to talk about it here," Maria spoke up.

Steve looked at her in surprise before shaking his head.

"I'm pretty easy to read?" he asked.

But she only gave non-committal shrug.

Break

After the attack in New York three years earlier that had brought the Avengers together the first time, Tony had taken great care in the remodeling of Stark Tower, turning it into Avengers Tower instead. He had redesigned all of the top floors to accommodate the team, giving each member a penthouse. When Stark had visited him in the hospital, he'd reminded Steve that his room was ready whenever he was.

There were a few reasons Steve had settled in DC after New York, the second was that New York held far too much of the half-familiar to feel comfortable. But, after he had taken down SHIELD and HYDRA, he hadn't felt comfortable going back to his old apartment, which had been compromised by SHIELD far longer than he'd realized. And, if nothing else, Stark had assured him of as near complete privacy as one could have in this modern world.

He hadn't moved in right away. There had still been the issue of the first reason he'd settled in DC. So he took a new apartment and split his time between searching for Bucky, DC, and New York. His apartment here still looked more like a hotel suite than a place someone actually lived. There were two sofas, a coffee table, some stools at the bar, and a bedroom set. Tony and Natasha kept trying to add "little touches," buying him small items they thought he would like to decorate the place but Steve hadn't added anything himself.

As Maria settled onto the sofa, Steve pulled some beer bottles from the refrigerator. When he turned back to her, he discovered that she had, as usual, sat in the spot that afforded a view of all the entryways into the apartment, including an air vent above the kitchen door. Old habits died hard.

He opened the bottles and handed one to Maria who took it and leaned back into her seat. As usual, she waited for him to start.

They talked to each other more since she'd picked him up at the airport on Peggy's birthday. Peggy. He was finally to the point he could say her name, at least in his head. Their night out had reminded him of times with Bucky or The Howling Commandos after a particularly traumatic event. Swapping war stories and sharing laughs to relieve the pressure of the pain had helped him far more than he realized it would.

"I don't know," he said, picking up their conversation.

He tried to find the words to explain the complex range of emotions he experienced looking at just one picture, let alone an entire album.

"She made up these photo albums after the war. One of them." Steve stopped, his throat tightening. He took several deep breaths before he continued.

"One has pictures and news clippings of all of us: Me, The Commandos, her. The other is after." He stopped, but didn't plan to finish his thought.

Steve stared at the bottle in his hand for several minutes as he thought about the photos. If he could use one example to explain how he felt when he looked at them he'd tell her it was like that first year after he'd awoke from the ice. He felt empty, alone; he revisited the same questions he had then, but mostly 'why'. His knowledge that Bucky was still alive made things slightly easier. That, and, he looked up at Maria who was drinking her beer and patiently, well, she wasn't even waiting. She was just present, as she had been after the funeral.

Almost impulsively, Steve set his beer on the table and stood and walked into the bedroom to grab up the albums, then brought them back and sat next to Maria. He opened the first after taking a deep breath.

Several hours later, Steve was leaned back on the sofa, relating a story of The Howling Commandos involving a daft Nazi commander and a few cabaret dancers. Maria was laughing and shaking her head in disbelief.

"You're lucky you're the most honest person I know, otherwise that story would be completely unbelievable," she said.

"Come on, you can't make this stuff up," he laughed.

"Just having trouble imagining Dernier going along with it." She told him.

Steve wasn't sure why it hadn't occurred to him before today that Maria would have read up on The Howling Commandos when Steve had been recovered from the ice, but she knew enough about them that his stories made sense to her without a lot of explanation. He stood and picked up the empty beer bottles, then tossed them in the recycle bin under the sink. Maria moved to sit at the kitchen counter.

"Hungry?" he asked. "Or was the beer enough?"

"Yeah, but I should get home," she said.

He nodded acceptance as she gathered up her purse and coat, then walked her out of the apartment and to the elevator.

"Thanks," he said.

"You're welcome." She smiled, her voice was quiet, and her face showed the same understanding it had since Peggy had died. Not for the first time in two months, Steve forced himself to swallow down the question he desperately wanted to ask.

Steve joined Tony and Pepper for dinner that evening. Pepper was, as always, charming, and Tony was, well, Tony. It was pleasant and Steve returned to his apartment feeling relaxed. Maria had told him things would get easier, and some days it seemed to him it might be sooner rather than later. Today had been one of those days.


End file.
